What to Say....And Not Say

Someone asked me today about what to say to a friend whose child was born with a disability. I told her not to say any cliches. I remember how painful it was to hear, "These things happen for a reason," or "Only special parents are given special children, " or my favorite, "You only get what you can handle." I was oh so not handling things that it made me want to scream. I told her that I liked when someone would tell me how outrageously long and full her hair was (Kay got her first haircut at about 6 weeks old.) or how long her fingers were....."normal" stuff. As a parent with a child with a disability, I have the ability and credibility to tell other mothers in this situation, "It's going to be OK." You wouldn't believe the relief you feel when someone tells you that. More than anything, just listen. People process trauma by talking about it and a sympathetic listener is the best friend.